Arriving back home I get out and get Junia out, letting her walk inside as I walk behind her. The moment we get in Kate is sitting on the stairs and Junia runs over to her like a child on Christmas day which breaks my heart.
I hate seeing Kate with my child. I hate myself for this situation I am now in, "She is fine," I say through gritted teeth when Kate stands up. "Just a few stitches," I mutter as I walk into the living room away from the woman who I can tell just from her face is fuming.
"There you are," my mother says relieved the moment I step into the living room. She is sitting on the couch with Natalie whose face is red and blotchy from crying.
I raise my eyebrow, "Is she okay?" I ask as I look from Natalie to my mother in confusion.
Natalie shakes her head no at my question, "Taylor is missing. H..he hasn't been home since the night Zac shot himself."
"He is missing?" I ask as I feel my heartbeat faster in my chest. The only thing flashing through my head is my one night stand with him. The one Zac had seen. "Have you tried calling him?" I ask her, chewing on my lip. I might have a suspicion on where he is. Especially if he is like me and blaming himself for Zac's death.
Natalie nods her head, "Yes," she croaks out and I sigh.
"I..I think I know where to find him," I confess as I turn around and leave the living room, glad I had kept my moms keys in my pocket. Going back outside, I get in the car and drive off towards our families cabin.
It only takes an hour to get there and I was thankful there wasn't much traffic. Parking the car, I get out and head towards the porch, seeing a light on in the living room. Trying the knob I find it locked so I raise my hand and knock a few times.
"Go away," Taylor's voice yells from the other side of the door and I can tell from the slur that he is drunk. Has Zac's death really messed him up that badly?
I ignore his words and knock again. I'm not going to go away. I want answers as to why he has ran off from Natalie and why he is drunk. When I raise my hand to knock again, I jump slightly as the door opens and I come face to face with Taylor. He looks disheveled. His hair is a mess, his clothes are all wrinkled and it smells like he has bathed himself in alcohol.
"I told you to go away," Taylor slurs as he gets in my face and I make a face at how awful his breath smells. He really needs a fucking shower.
I roll my eyes and push him away as I make my way in, "I know what you told me to do," I sigh, "but I'm not one for listening to what I am told to do," I shrug as I hear him shut the door behind me. "Why the hell are you here and why are you so drunk?"
I hear Taylor laugh and watch as he walks over to the couch and slumps down. "I can't get the images of Zac dead out of my head," he frowns. "You know, Kate wasn't the first one to find him. I did. I found him and those images haunt me," he whispers and I watch as a few tears go down his cheeks.
"You what?!" I ask shocked at his admission of finding Zac dead first. "But why didn't you say anything?" I ask as I sit down beside him and reach over to brush the tears away but he moves away from me.
Taylor looks down and away from me. "Because I feel responsible for him being dead," he voices and I want to scream. I want to scream and tell him it's my fault that Zac is gone and not his. Everything is my fault.
"It's not your fault Taylor. It's mine," I finally spit out after a few minutes of silence. "I'm the one who left him because of Kate. I'm the one who used you to convince him I had moved on. Me, I did this not you. I'm the reason he took his own life," I spit out as a lump forms in my throat and I reach for the half empty bottle of whiskey sitting on the table.
It has finally hit me yet again that Zac is gone. He left me without even saying goodbye to me. He left me without anything and maybe that is karma because in a way I did the same to him too. Taking a drink from the whiskey bottle I make a face as it goes down and burns my throat in the process.
Taylor steals the bottle from me and takes a drink, "I hurt him. I had sex with you and hurt him," he frowns more and I see more tears going down his cheeks. "I shouldn't have been so drunk. I should have pushed you away."
"You should have but like you said you were drunk. You weren't exactly thinking right," I shrug as I take the bottle from him and take a drink. "At least he forgave you. You know he never even forgave me. He would never speak to me after he saw us. I tried calling him but he never returned my calls and then the next thing I know is mom calling saying he is dead."
I watch as Taylor shakes his head, "Zac...I found a letter addressed to you on his desk when I found him," Taylor confesses as he reaches into his jeans and pulls out the letter. "I didn't read it but I guess if he addressed it to you then maybe he wasn't that mad at you."
Taking the letter from him, I raise my eyebrows and unfold it, letting myself read what it said. I'm surprised that Zac would even write me a letter. That he had even thought about me in his final moments alive.
Dear Avery, If you are reading this, then it means you know what I have done. What I have chosen to do. I...I'm sorry it came to this. I'm sorry that I left you and I'm even sorry that you never got to say goodbye to me. I had to do it though. I didn't see any other way. I had lost you because of Kate and a week ago Kate informed me she was filing for divorce and was going to take the kids, both of them. I had already lost you. I didn't want to lose my kids too because my bitch of a wife. I just don't see any other way for this to be better except with me out of the picture. I....just know I love you. I always have loved you and you know I always will, no matter where my soul goes. I made you one last thing though. I made last night, before I drove here to the studio. It's in my dresser at home, you know if Kate hasn't found it yet. Hopefully she hasn't. Zac P.S. You and I will meet again one day. I'm sure of it.
Folding the paper back up, I put it in my pocket and feel tears stinging at my eyes. Damn him for leaving me and hurting me. Damn him.
"I hate him," I yell as I stand up and walk over to a shelf where some pictures are. "I hate him so much," I snap as I knock the pictures off the shelf not jumping as they fall to the floor and the glass shatters. "He left me and I never even got to say goodbye," I squeak as I feel arms around me and I fall to the floor bringing Taylor with me. He still stinks but at least he is here for me when I need him.
Taylor shushes me and I feel him rubbing my back trying to calm me down. "You will be fine Avery," he reassures me and I want to laugh. I don't think I will ever be fine again. How can I be? Zac is dead and he left me behind. He left me and now on top of that I'm confused over what to do with Junia.
I shake my head, "I will never be fine Taylor," I sigh as I shut my eyes and listen to his faint heartbeat in my ears. "I just want to stop hurting and missing Zac," I frown, feeling myself yawn. Before I know it, I have fallen asleep in Taylor's arms.
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