The next few days seem to fade into a blur for me. I had gotten a call from my mom eventually, saying that Kate had planned for Zac to have a memorial service next week as his wishes were to be cremated. I had also eventually called into work after finding out and asked for time off. Time that I wish I didn't have to take.
Now fours days have passed since I found out Zac was dead and I am standing in the middle of the Tulsa airport looking for my mother. Holding my luggage closer to me, I sigh and look around, a few stray hairs flying up as I do so.
"Where the hell are you?" I speak under my breath as I walk a few feet away from the baggage claim. I wish I would have asked my mother when we decided she would pick me up, just where she would be standing.
Finally hearing someone calling my name, I turn, relieved to see my mother. Walking the short distance to her, I chew on my lip as I see her holding Junia on her hip.
Mom puts on a fake smile as she sees me walk over to her, "I had to bring Junia," she says as I look down at Junia. "Kate can't handle the kids right now. Your dad agreed to watch Shepherd but little miss Junebug wanted to come with me."
I just nod at my mom's words. I'd be lying if I say seeing Junia wasn't a painful reminder of Zac. It was a painful reminder of how I had hurt Zac.
"I guess I can understand Kate not being able to watch her," I say as I try to push out the memories of Zac from my mind. As long as I don't think of Zac I am fine. I wasn't a crying mess. "Let's go home," I smile as I move past my mom and head toward the doors which lead me outside.
Once we were outside, I let my mother pass me as we walk to the black SUV. Reaching the SUV I wait until my mom has opened the back hatch and then I put both of my suitcases in the back as my mother goes to put Junia in her car seat.
After my suitcases are put away, I close the hatch and got to the front of the car, getting in the passenger side of the car and buckling up as my mom starts the car and drives off.
"Aunt Avie?" Junia asks from the backseat.
I turn my head and look at the almost three year old little girl.
"Daddy is on a trip," she says once I am looking at her. "Mommy said he was only gone for a little while and one day I would see him again," she frowns as she kicks her feet. "Do you know just when I will see him again?"
I sigh at Junia's words and turn to look at my own mother, not sure what to say to the child. How do you tell a child they will never see their daddy again? I hate that Kate has just said Zac went away on a trip. Kate should have been honest with her even if she wouldn't understand it right now. She will understand it one day.
My mom looks back at me and just frowns, tears threatening to spill out from her eyes, "Junebug, you will see your daddy one day when you least expects," she says her voice wavering. I know she isn't sure exactly what to say either. "One day when you are older and least expect it."
Junia goes silent after mom speaks and I turn back to see her looking out the window. After she turns to look out the window, I turn my head and look straight ahead at the cars in front of us, going silent. I am glad my niece is no longer asking questions that no one has answers too.
"How are you holding up?" my mom asks me after I go silent.
Looking at her again I shrug, "Not good," I mutter deciding to be honest. "I have times were I just break down crying for no reason. I just get so overwhelmed and I start to miss Zac."
My mother nods at my words, "I do too," she says and I see a few tears go down her cheeks after she speaks. It's nice to know I am not alone in my reactions. "I think everyone is like that right now."
"Even dad?" I ask knowing I have never once seen my dad cry.
"Even your dad," Mom confirms as she pulls into the driveway.
I just stay silent at my mom's words. Watching as she gets out and then gets Junia out, I stay in the car, unable to move or go inside. I don't know why I don't want too, maybe because I don't want to be around other grieving family members or maybe because I don't want to be around Junia, the reminder of the hurt I had placed on Zac.
Unbuckling finally, I still stay in the car as I feel tears building in my eyes and soon going down my cheeks. I was feeling that familiar feeling of pain and hurt again.
"I just want him back God," I speak as I look at the roof the SUV. "Just bring him back to me. I need my brother back," I choke out as I feel even more tears come to my eyes.
When nothing but silence fills the car I frown and wipe at my eyes. Reaching my shaking hand out, I grab the door handle and open the door, soon leaving the car and heading inside. Hearing laughter from the kitchen I figure my mom is in there with both of the children so I turn and head upstairs. I will get my luggage out of the car later. Right now I just want to lay down on my bed and mope.
Making it upstairs, I head to the room which had been designated as mine every time I have came in for a visit. Cracking the door, I slip my shoes off and walk over to the bed, falling back and staring at the ceiling. I wasn't sure when the empty feeling inside of me would go away but I wish it would. I hate it.
Closing my eyes I drift off to sleep, only to be awoken a few hours later by a light knock on my door. Opening my eyes, I raise an eyebrow and sit up, seeing my younger sister Zoe standing the door way.
"Mom fixed dinner and she wanted to know if you coming down to eat?" Zoe asks as she walks just a little ways into the room.
I sigh and run a hand through my hair, "Are the kids still here?"
Zoe looks confused by my question, "Shepherd and Junia?" she asks and I can still see the confusion written all over her face.
I just nod at her question.
"Yeah they are here still," Zoe confirms. "What does that have to do with anything?
Sighing, I look away from Zoe. She won't understand my reasoning behind not wanting to be around Junia. "I just don't think I can face them right now. All I see is Zac," I mutter as I keep my gaze away from my baby sister.
Zoe just stands there in silence for awhile and I'm almost scared of what she will say next. If she has her doubts about my words. "Okay," she says and I look up in enough time to see her nod. "I'll tell mom you won't be down," she shrugs before she turns and leaves the room.
Once Zoe is gone I look at the door before breaking down in tears again. As I cry I can't help but remember. Remember how I had caused Zac so much pain and hurt. What if that had been the reason why he committed suicide? What if I had been the reason why?
Laying back on the bed again I try to stop crying and eventually I succeed and close my eyes, drifting off to sleep again. My dreams full of Zac and how this whole mess started. How I ruined everything.
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