Sitting in my apartment in New York I look at the Christmas tree that had been put up last week. Christmas is almost here but I am not in the Christmas mood. I haven't been in the Christmas mood since December began. December is the month my baby was born in. The month my Junebug was born. The month she was taken from me by that bitch and now it seems I hate the month, especially today.
Today is Junia's first birthday. She is probably spending the day with my family in Tulsa. Kate has probably thrown some big party because that is how she rolls and Junia is probably having a ball because she is innocent and she doesn't know any different. She thinks she is with her real mommy and that mommy and daddy are one big happy family.
A part of me wishes now as I sit here in my anger that I hadn't let my roommates Hannah and Jonathan leave town just yet to spend time with their family because the days leading up to me leaving for Tulsa are just going to be spent with me reflecting on my anger towards Kate and staying in a pissed off state. A state which isn't good for me.
Hearing a knock on the door I am brought out of my thoughts, raising an eyebrow because I don't know who would be coming by. Everyone I know personally in New York is gone or busy. Standing from the couch I walk to the door and open it without even checking the peephole. By the time the door is open I almost wish I had checked the peephole because standing at my door is Zac who has Junia strapped to a baby carrier on his chest and her diaper bag over one arm along with a duffel bag over the other arm.
"Z...Zac?" I ask almost wanting to make sure I'm not dreaming this and that he is really here. When he nods I move out of the way so he can come inside, shutting the door once he is in inside. I should probably be mad he is here especially since I have been trying so hard to do what Kate said. I have been trying to push him away so he can make things work with his wife but seeing him right now with our daughter I just can't turn him away not when I am already mad at the situation anyway.
"I got away from Kate," Zac speaks as if I questioned how or why he is hear. "I told her I was coming to visit a friend but I decided to come see you," he tells me as he puts the diaper bag and duffel bag both on the couch. "You needed to see Junia today. You needed to see our daughter on her first birthday."
Smiling some at Zac's words I watch as he takes Junia off of him and out of the baby carrier. It's amazing to see how much she has grown since I last saw her which was briefly on the fourth of July. "She's grown so much," I say as I walk over to them and watch as he sats her down on the ground. When she pushes herself up on the couch and takes a few steps before falling I can't help but laugh. "How long has she been walking?"
"She's been taking a few steps for a couple of days now. I think she'll be walking full time soon though," Zac says as he looks at me. "She misses you," he adds in which makes me close my eyes. Of course he would say that because of course he has other agendas then me seeing my daughter on her birthday. He wants me to come back home to Tulsa. He wants me back with him.
"She doesn't even know me as her mom," I sigh before picking up his duffel bag and carrying it to my room. It's the only place for him to sleep since the apartment only has three bedrooms and I really don't think Hannah or Jonathan would like it too well if I let him sleep in their rooms with them gone.
When I return I find Zac sitting one the couch and he is watching Junia play with some toys he packed in her diaper bag. "She might not know you as her mother now but she could come to know you," he speaks up before looking at me. "She always loves it when she gets to see you. I think a part of her still remembers your voice from where she was inside of you for nine months."
I roll my eyes but sit down beside Zac, "Trust me she doesn't remember me," I tell him before shaking my head. "It's best she doesn't anyway. She belongs to Kate now. You and Kate are raising her and your going to be a happy family. The family you should have been before I ruined things for you guys," I nod knowing I have to keep pushing him away. If I take him back I will lose custody of my daughter and Zac and I will go prison. Kate will do what she did the day I left, she will turn us in.
"I don't want to be a family with Kate," Zac replies harshly as he looks at me. "I may have a son with her but I don't want to be with her. I don't love her not anymore. I love you and we should be the ones raising Junia. We were going to raise her together or did you forget that? Did you just forget how happy we were during your pregnancy? All the dreams we had of raising her and then maybe one day trying for another baby. Trying and hoping it would be as healthy as she is."
Going silent I look away from him. I haven't forgotten. How could I forget? How could I forget what I thought was going to be my happily ever after? How could I forget everything I wanted and still want deep down? "No, I haven't forgotten," I answer him as I finally look at him. "I remember everything clearly. I remember it all but I have to do this because of Kate."
Zac shakes his head obviously not liking my answer, "Screw Kate," he hisses out before standing from the couch. "Screw Kate and what she wants," he mutters before heading towards the door.
"Where are you going?" I ask him as I stand from the couch. If he is going somewhere to cool down I wish he'd take Junia with him. I can't be alone with her not right now. I can't be alone with her ever. Not just because of Kate but I am afraid that if I am I will change my mind. I will want my daughter back.
"Out," Zac answers me before he opens the door and slips out leaving me alone in the apartment with Junia who is happily playing with her toys. It seems she doesn't even notice her daddy's absence.
Walking over to where she is in the floor I sit down beside her, "Are you playing with race cars?" I ask her seeing a race car in her hand. I blame Shepherd for that. "Do race cars go vroom?"
Junia looks at me giggling, "Room," she giggles more trying to repeat what I said. "Room room," she mutters before moving the race cars faster.
"Yes vroom vroom," I laugh as I watch her. Maybe Zac is right, maybe she does remember my voice from being in my womb for nine months. For being right under my heart. "Come here Junebug," I mutter as I reach over, pulling her into my lap.
Once I have her in my lap I sigh before kissing her head, "Mama loves you," I whisper so she can hear me. "Mama loves you and she misses you so much. She wishes she could be the one you see every day, the one who you probably do call mama. But I had to give you up. I had to do it or I would have lost you. I would have lost you and I can't let strangers raise you. I just..I wish things were different. I wish I could claim you somehow and that I could be with your daddy because I love him so much. I will always love him," I whisper knowing it's true. I'll never stop loving Zac.
Junia and I stay like that on the floor until Zac comes back. Then I put her back down as I go to let him in, raising an eyebrow as I see a plastic bag in his hands. A bag that looks like it has a small cake in it.
"I figured she needed a cake," Zac smiles as he steps inside the apartment. "It is her birthday after all," he laughs before asking me where the kitchen is. When I tell him I watch him head that way. "Bring her in when I tell you too," he says and I just nod even though his back is to me.
When Zac finally does tell me I can bring her into the kitchen I bend down and pick her up, carrying her into the kitchen where Zac has sit up the cake on the counter with a number one candle in it. Surprisingly he has managed to light the candle without burning down my apartment.
Walking closer to the cake I look at Zac, "You are something else," I mutter watching as he gets his cell phone out.
"I know," Zac winks as he looks at me. "Say hi to the camera Avery," he laughs and it's then I know he has it on video so I just raise my free hand flipping it off. "Junia is going to love that when she is older," he jokes. "Now let's sing before that candle catches something on fire and I unintentionally start a fire in your apartment."
Doing what Zac says I then proceed to blow the candle out for Junia and before long we have all had a piece of the cake. Most of Junia's cake ending up on her rather than in her. Zac offers to give her a bath and I let him but I follow him to the bathroom watching him interact with our daughter. This should be our life. Me watching him with her...him seeing me with her. Us just being a family with no Kate standing in our way..no one standing in our way.
After her bath I watch as Zac gets Junia out and dresses her in her pajamas before leaving the bathroom. Eventually he feeds her a bottle and sets up her pack and play putting her down for the night. She doesn't seem to fight sleep either. She goes out like a light.
"I like this," I finally speak once Zac comes to where I am standing by the pack and play. "Being a family with you and her," I smile as he looks at me. "I miss you and I miss her."
"Then come back home with us baby," Zac smiles as he pulls me closer to him. "Come home with us and we can be a family," he whispers before leaning in to kiss me softly. I kiss him back letting my hand go to rest on his cheek. How can I deny him? How can I deny the man I love what he wants?
Kissing him deeper I moan out some into the kiss as he hand finds its way to my ass where he squeezes it some. "What do you think you are doing?" I ask him when I pull away from the kiss.
"Grabbing your ass," Zac winks at me. "It's such a nice ass and in those jeans you are wearing it's been so tempting," he mutters and I laugh.
"You are such a pervert," I tell him as I pull away from him more but I grab his hand leading him down the hallway towards my bedroom. Shutting the door some I leave a tiny crack so we can hear in case Junia wakes up and then I turn to face him a smirk playing on my lips as I watch him walk to the bed and throwing the duffel bag off of it.
Walking up behind him I grab his ass too, "Your ass is tempting too in those jeans," I whisper smirking more when he turns to face me. "So is your dick in those tight ass jeans," I mutter before kissing him again. This time as we kiss we fall to my bed and somehow I end up on top of him. I end up being the one in control.
By being in control I undress him quickly letting him do the same to me. "I want you to ride me," Zac mutters in between kisses after we are both naked. "I want you to ride me all night."
"I think that can be arranged," I tell him before moving down on him moaning some as he fills me up. I haven't had sex with anyone else since I left Zac and god damn it's been so long..too long since I had a cock in me, since I had Zac's cock in me.
The moment I am on him I feel Zac's hands on my hip and he holds me in place for a bit his eyes fluttering shut, "Fuck," he mutters out. "I...Kate and I haven't since we got back together," he tells me as he opens his eyes. "The last time was with you the day before you went into labor."
Smiling at that revelation I lean down and kiss him again soon starting to move on his after his moves his hands from my hips. I like knowing that it's been just as long for him. I like knowing that he hasn't had sex with Kate, that even though Kate has him physically she hasn't had him sexually again.
Kissing him more I moan out again as he starts to move with me his tongue soon slipping inside my mouth where I let mine tangle with his.
I'm not sure how much times passes until my first orgasm hits but I continue to move on Zac through it as he keeps moving inside of me his cock going deeper with each thrust. Eventually I pull away from the kiss though and I sit up straight as I ride him through two more orgasms.
"Fucking hell," I groan out as my head falls back during the last orgasm and I feel him release inside of me. His body shuddering under me some as he does so. "Just fucking hell," I say before laying down on him my head resting on his chest where I can hear his heartbeat pounding away in his chest.
"I'd say that was the best sex you had," Zac finally speaks which makes me laugh.
"Any sex I have with you is the best," I tell him before finally moving off his cock but remaining on top of him. "You know how to please me," I whisper before kissing his chest softly. That makes him moan softly and I just smile closing my eyes and feeling content. ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
When I wake the next morning I smile seeing Zac still sleeping. Getting off of him I find the t-shirt I had taken off of him and slip it on and then I slip my panties on too. Seeing my cell phone on the bedside nightstand I pick it up seeing that I have one voice-mail. Dialing the familiar number I am soon greeted by Kate's voice. Apparently she knows Zac is here. She knows Zac is here and she says that if he doesn't come home soon she will make sure we both lose Junia.
Hitting hang up I frown as I put the phone back down. I am reminded now why I can't give Zac the family he wants with me. Because Kate will get Junia taken away from us and us put in jail. I can't risk that I have to make sure that Junia is happy with one of us at least.
Taking one look at Zac sleep I know once he wakes up I am going to have to go back to pushing him away. I am going to have to make him think I don't want him again...that I need to move on and he needs to be with Kate.